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| A good lyric is like a great book... |
Otto Titsling
Bette Midler, Artist
Bette Midler, Jerry Blatt, Charlene Seeger, and Marc Shaiman, Writers
Otto Titsling, inventor and Kraut,
Had nothing to get very worked up about
His inventions were failures, his future seemed bleak
He fled to the opera at least twice a week
One night at the opera he saw an Aida
Whose bust was so big it would often impede her
Bug-eyed, he watched her fall into the pit,
Done in by the weight of those terrible tits
Oh my god! Thar she blows!
Aerodynamically this girl was a mess.
Otto eye-balled the diva lying comatose amongst the reeds,
And he suddenly felt the fire of inspiration
Flood his soul. He ran back to his workshop
Where he futzed and futzed and futzed
For Otto Titsling had found his quest:
To lift and mold the female breast
To point the small ones to the sky
To keep the big ones high and dry
Every night he'd sweat and snort
Searching for the right support
He tried some string and paper clips
Hey! He even tried his own two lips!
Well, he stitched and he slaved,
He slaved and he stitched
Until finally one night, in the wee hours of morning,
Otto arose from his workbench triumphant
Yes! He had invented the world's first
Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.
Hooray!
Exhausted but ecstatic, Otto ran
Out to the diva bearing the prototype in his hot little hand.
Now, the diva did not wanna try the darn thing on.
But, after many initial mishaps,
She finally did.
And the sigh of relief that issued forth
From her mouth
Was so loud that it was mistaken by some
To be the early onset of the Seraken Winds
Which would often roll through the Schwarzwald
With a vengeance!
Ahhhhh!
But little did Otto know,
At the moment of his greatest triumph,
Lurking under the diva's bed
Was none other than the very worst
Of the French patent thieves,
Phillip DeBrassiere.
And Phil was watching the scene
With a great deal of interest!
Later that night, while the Brunhilda slept,
Into the wardrobe Phillip softly crept
He fumbled through knickers and corsets galore,
Till he found Otto's titsling and he ran out the door
Crying, "Oh my god! What joy! What bliss!
"I'm gonna make me a million from this!
"Every woman in the world will wanna buy one.
"I will have all the goods manufactured in Taiwan."
The result of this swindle is pointedly clear:
Do you buy a titsling or do you buy a brassiere?
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